Pick-Up Hoops or a Career Fair? Hoopers You Might Run into on the Court this Summer

With summer upon us and the official start of the basketball off-season (is that even a thing?) many of you will turn to pick-up hoops to get your basketball fix. Pick-up ball has many redeeming qualities – great exercise, keeps your game sharp, friendly competition – but it can also serve as a job fair. Let’s look at the profiles aka resumes of these hoopers you frequently see on the hardwood.

Banker – looks a little nerdy, not very athletic, might be wearing black dress socks. You fall victim to one of the cardinal sins of pick-up basketball – “the game of first impressions” – he doesn’t look like he has game so you sag off him and then he’s cash money from the outside. He drills 3 straight threes and you’re heading to the loser’s court.

Coach – the guy who is constantly providing instructions, probably coached 3^rd grade in-house basketball, so he wants to tell you about defensive rotations, when to cut, etc. Ultimately you lose your cool and remind him to chill this is pick-up basketball not the NBA Finals.

Referee – calls everything, never misses a shot where he doesn’t get fouled and can be counted on to call the all too predictable foul on “game point.”

Doctor – not to be confused with Julius Erving, this is the person who comes up with the immediate diagnosis on every sprain, cut, and injury – “that will require 10 stitches, that’s a torn ACL, lots of blood – broken nose.”

Park Ranger – yes, somebody that feels entitled to camp in the paint – granted its pick-up ball so you don’t want to be a stickler to the 3-second rule but at least pass through the lane when the smores are done.

Actuary – the person who systematically cheats on the score – yells it out each time down the court, figuring that his voice of confidence will discourage others from challenging him. When you do challenge him, he says I yelled it out last time – bottom line if the score was wrong then, it is still wrong.

Optometrist – the player with laser vision – even without the benefit of night goggles. Can stand on the opposite side of the floor at mid-court and clearly see that the ball bounced out on the baseline.

Judge – the wily veteran on the court who has played there the longest – everyone defers to this person on a wide range of topics from how the sign-up list works, who gets the ball in OT and how to handle disputes that can’t be resolved.

Inventor – aka Thomas Edison, this is the guy who invents new moves (some legal, most illegal) – the euro two step with the hop at the end, the 15-foot runner, the dramatic hesi that would make Allen Iverson blush, or the double step back ala James Harden.

Butcher – the guy who literally carves you up by hacking you to death – treats your arms like a slab of bacon. Relies on the fact that even though he will foul you on every possession, he knows that you won’t call it every time – giving him the advantage. And he has clearly adopted the “no layup rule” even if that means sending someone to the emergency room.

Pro Basketball Player – likely one of the better players but convinces everyone that he’s a pro or has an upcoming G-League tryout. Often seen working on cone dribbling drills when everyone arrives – also has a shirt or shorts from some G-League team to perpetuate the legend.

Retiree – aka the Fossil, passes up on his weekly AARP meeting and sure enough gets stuck on your squad and you have no chance of winning. Can’t guard his own shadow and probably was a good shooter back in the day but when he starts mentioning that they didn’t have a 3-point line when he played and he use to play pick-up ball with James Naismith, you know you are in trouble. Likely wearing a pair of Nike Air Monarchs with fresh grass stains from mowing the yard.

Tailor – neatly dressed with the latest gear – shoes, shorts, and t-shirt all match and the shirt is tucked in, of course.

About the Author

As Hoop Habits’ media contributor, Roger Johnson brings decades of basketball expertise to his articles. Having served as a marketing executive at Wells Fargo & Company and a content writer for Ultimate Hoops, Roger’s true passion has always been basketball. With experience as a collegiate player at Moorhead State University, coach, and parent of successful players, Roger offers unique insights into the game. His dedication shows through his Minnesota Timberwolves season tickets, University of Minnesota basketball support, and attendance at over 3,000 basketball games throughout his lifetime.